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When Donald Trump was a little boy, his father asked him a question: "The Donald, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

Donald said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. You owe me an apology for asking such a question.

"Whether or not I chopped down this tree, which needed to be chopped down, quite frankly, is irrelevant.

Fact is, I will grow an absolutely fantastic tree and I guarantee you it will produce the most phenomenal cherries on the planet.

And everybody in America will get a bigger piece of the cherry pie. Especially the women. Who will thank me, by the way."

For the planting, Donald needed fertilizer piled high. And to this day, a huge pile of fertilizer is known as a Trump Tower.


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Winner of the 5:00 debate -- Carly Fiorina. Winner of the 9:00 debate -- Carly Fiorina. She was not in the room but you might say neither was Jeb Bush.  

The candidates were asked about their relationship with God. In Trump's case, it's a case of self-worship.

Jeb said, "I am not my father." Why doesn't he give up and blame Iraq on his brother Marvin?

Rand Paul said, "I am not my father." Of course not. His father is a wacko libertarian who lives in a tree.  

Megyn Kelly asked Trump "why do you call women fat?" Trump answered, "only Rosie O'Donnell."  Trump "taps into what Americans are thinking" is the consensus. Apparently what America is thinking is that Rosie O'Donnell is fat. So it follows that if Rosie loses weight, the budget will shrink, there will be more jobs and ISIS will surrender.   

And the the world awaits our next attempt to be serious.  



Walter J. Palmer, prominent poacher, dentist and Lion King, shot Cecil, the prized protected lion - with a bow and arrow in Zimbabwe. The doctor claimed the arrow was tipped with novacaine in order to give Cecil a root canal.

Zimbabwe wants to extradite Dr. Palmer to give him a fair trial before mounting his head on a wall.  

Defending the doctor, the National Bow & Arrow Association issued a statement: Bows and Arrows don't kill lions -- dentists kill lions.
See the USA in your Chevrolet
Just relax -- try to enjoy the ride.
In this computer age, your brakes may disengage
As your steering mechanism up and dies.
Many cars will be recalled sooner or later
Let's hope before you are recalled by your creator.
Better say a prayer -- your airbag has no air,
But we all love our computers, so who cares?
Prediction: By the end of the week, Donald Trump will say that Bill Cosby is a war hero.

The deal with Iran is already successful. We have beaten them to Pluto.
You now have a joint account
As the records show.

With some guy in China
You don't even know.
His name is Wong or Ling
And hacking is his thing
As he sits at his computer
In Beijing.
Republicans owe it to the country to narrow the field down to Christie and Trump. We deserve dueling gasbags for rollicking mid-summer amusement.

Dare we dream of Donald Trump one day becoming Ambassador to Mexico?

Following it's investigation, the FBI has concluded that white churches in the South are fireproof.

I admire the pope. Too bad the Republicans don't have one.

Pope Francis's encyclical on the environment answers to a higher power: Al Gore.

Guy goes to confession and says, "Father I had three children from three extra-marital affairs.  And I don't recycle."
The priest says, "my son, it is never too late to recycle."

Donald Trump's announcement is good news for America. When he's that full of himself he could explode -- an unlimited source of natural gas without fracking.

Let's assume, just for the moment, that the election will narrow down to Jeb vs Hillary. Hillary, the wife of Bill, who beat her opponent's father, George HW. She would run against the man whose brother, George W beat her husband's vice president, Al Gore. The election was determined by a disputed vote count in Florida whose governor was Jeb.

And they say Europeans are incestuous.