The Constitution is perfectly clear: "When the husband of a presidential candidate's staff member sends sex messages to a 15-year-old girl, the candidate must lose the election because her Republican opponent has such respect for women, he would never do such a deplorable thing."

Donald J Trump not only can't take a joke, he can't tell a joke.

There he was -- at a Catholic Charity banquet, an evening noted for light-hearted humor and jocularity and Donald's big one liner? "Hillary hates Catholics."

Whereupon, clerical catcalls and ecumenical booing ensued. He might as well have charged that the election of Pope Francis was rigged.

"You have reached Clinton campaign headquarters. If you wish to contribute to the Clinton campaign, press one. If you wish to contribute to the Clinton Foundation, press one."

The Clinton campaign, transparent and open 
Has nothing to hid
And when she wins, the Clinton Foundation
Will stop taking any more bribes.

Dueling bimbo eruptions. Is today a Donald bimbo eruption day or a Bill Clinton bimbo eruption day?

If it's Tuesday, it must be Paula Jones.

Anyone raising little boys will recognize the counter charges: "He started it."

Rip Van Winkle wakes up from a twenty year nap. He turns on the TV and sees Paula Jones and Kathleen Willey. Thinking he has slept only two hours, Rip goes back to sleep.

I miss the Cold War when the Democrats were called Russian sympathizers. Today, it's the Republican presidential candidate with campaign headquarters in the Kremlin.

Round Two: Trump parades a bevy of Bill Clinton's old flames into the hall, as Bob Dole says, “why didn’t I think of that back in ’96?”

The difference is that Bob Dole is a decent human being.

Those nasty videos suggest that when Donald was a boy scout he got a merit badge in Advanced Groping.

They suggest that in a President Trump’s cabinet there just might be room for Bill Cosby.

REVISED OLD JOKE ALERT! Trump takes his dog to the veterinarian. The vet says, “Do you want to have him neutered?” and the dog says, “Yes.”  

Tim Kaine vs Mike Pence was like Walter Mondale vs George HW Bush without the electricity.

Hillary's de facto running mate would have been there but Bill had a date.

In the middle of the debate Putin called Trump: "Whose side is Pence on, anyway?"

We now know the official name of the Trump-Pence Latin American policy: The Mexican Thing.

Kaine was educated by the Jesuits and the pope is a Jesuit.  Whar can we conclude? Hillary is infallible?

What I learned from the debate -- and I knew you'd ask: The best way to beat ISIS is for General Douglas MacArthur to stop and frisk Rosie O'Donnell.

Both candidates appeared presidential but in Trump's case, President Mussolini.

If mugging and eye rolling were statesmanlike traits, Trump would be George Washington.

Moderator Lester Hold was missing for awhile. Did he duck out for a drink? They should have tied a yellow ribbon around his chair.

Trump made a snide remark about people who weigh 400 pounds. There goes Christie's support.

Hillary recalled her father being in the drapery business. Which may explain the red pants suit.

In the end, we are left with the question: where are Trump's tax returns? Maybe somebody should frisk Jimmy Hoffa.

A chronicle of lies: The check is in the mail, I'll respect you in the morning, Mr. Trump wishes Secretary Clinton a speedy recovery.

Pneumonia, rhymes with bologna, a condition which can mask a more serious condition in an election year.

Conspiracy du jour: The secret service discovered anthrax in a get well card sent to Mrs. Clinton by Vladimir Putin.

Many public figures were not held back by less than perfect health. FDR was in a wheel chair. JFK had Addison's disease. And every time Dick Cheney's defibrillator beat, he invaded another country.

Hillary is 68 and Trump is 70. In the opinion of this senior citizen, neither candidate is qualified due to their youth and inexperience.

Was there sexual harassment going on at Fox News? Roger that.

How proud Texans must be that their former governor, Rick Perry is on "Dancing with the Stars" -- a high honor never achieved by those lesser Texans, Sam Houston, Stevin Austin and Lyndon Johnson.

Perhaps ABC could produce a spin-off: "Dancing with the Other Losing Presidential Candidates".

You haven't lived until you've seen Chris Christie doing the tango with Carly Fiorina. Or Ted Cruz and Ben Carson doing graceful justice to the Cha Cha.

USA: Our enemy is the Syrian regime.
Syrian Rebels: Our enemy is the Syrian regime.
Kurds: Ditto -- Count us in.
Turks: We're with you guys.

Turks: On second thought -- Down with the Kurds!
Kurds: Hey Turks -- don't F*** with us!
Syrian Rebels: Turks and Kurds, get off my lawn!
USA: Can we all get along?

Syrian Regime: Tell Putin we don't need him.

Oh, dear. Trump is getting all wobbly on immigration. To deport or not to deport? If I was an illegal, I wouldn't know what or when to pack.

Donald's latest clarification was in Arizona at a Latino church. Subtle, isn't he? How about a Taco Bell where he'll change his name to Donaldo?

Prediction: Hillary will be sworn in as president next January 20th. On January 21st, the Republican majority will begin the impeachment process.

When the process is completed, vice president Tim Kaine will become president. Recall how fluent in Spanish Kaine is. After Hillary is impeached, Kaine will be deported.

Stay with me. The next in line of succession is the Republican Speaker of the House. Paul Ryan becomes president.

At which point, our churches and liquor stores will be full.