If Bonnie and Clyde had been pursued by the Sanford, Florida Police Department, the couple would have died of old age.

John Wilkes Booth would have spent his last days in a retirement home in Boca Raton.

Lee Harvey Oswald would have wound up tending bar in Argentina.

If Aleve worked as fast as the Sanford, Florida Police Department half the country would be calling in sick with a migraine.


New Orleans devastated by Saints coach suspension.  FEMA rescue underway.  

Romney's integrity disappears on Etch-a-Sketch. 

Jeb Bush's to do list:  take suit to cleaners, get a haircut, buy dental floss, endorse Romney ...

Finally, the campaign gets serious.  Rick Santorum says that as president he would outlaw pornography.  Followed by masturbation on Day Two.

As a desperate, last resort ploy, Romney could say:  "Vote for me or I'll baptise you a Mormon when you are dead."

We started losing wars when our enemies didn't wear uniforms.  When the enemy and the civilian look alike, the soldier in uniform must flip a coin before pulling the trigger.

No war is worth fighting unless the enemy wears a uniform, the battle lines are clean and the mission is undisputed and the president is Roosevelt.


Having come in second in Alabama and Mississippi, newt delivers another victory speech.  One of hi big ideas is that he won.

Santorum beats Romney in the South.  Romney admits that cheesy grits give him gas.

Now it's on to Louisiana.  Brace yourselves for Mitt's new mantra, "I love gumbo."

Sarah Palin wants to debate Obama.  Which one, Sarah -- Sasha or Malia?


Every day on the radio, a new and practical use of duct tape comes to mind:  putting it over Rush Limbaugh's mouth.

Americans have settled on two choices in dealing with the high gas prices -- drill, baby, drill or blame, baby, blame.

Tornado hits Branson, Missouri.  Among the missing are Snooky Lanson, Anita Bryant and two of the McGuire Sisters.

President Obama points out that none of the Republican candidates is Commander-in-Chief.  Even atheists are saying "thank God."

From our files:

There he is ladies and gentlemen, making his debut, the Assistant Minority Leader of the House of Representatives, Congressman Newt Gingrich.    And the other day Mr. Gingrich came out a made a statement... He said:  "I hold in my hand a list of Democrats that we are going to purge, and some of these will involve sex scandals."

Mark Russell Comedy Special, June 21, 1989

Hey, Republicans!  Sorry, but God is bipartisan.   Let's have more of your elephant logos and fewer crosses.  You guys would make an atheist out of Mother Theresa.

Mitt Romney has spent millions on brutal TV ads to damage Newt Gingrich.  Thirty-five dollars would have done it.

Romney's implied message:  When Mitt's wife was ill, he didn't divorce her.  It's called leadership.

Santorum's message that most resonated with Iowa voters:  Rick can beat Obama because he has seven children.


Catch up Part 2

From 11/11:  Looking back on the night Rick Perry set fire to himself, he might have had a better debate if a few women had charged him with sexual harassment.  Perry drew a blank trying to remember which government agencies he would shut down as president.  We have all been there.  I usually forget HUD.  A senior moment is one thing; Perry is having a senior campaign.  If Perry can't remember the departments he would shut down, how can he remember the ones he would keep open?

From 11/14:  How many officials at Penn State should wind up in the state pen?  How can the citizens of State College, PA be critical of Joe Paterno when they all have little "St. Joseph" statues of him on their dashboards?

From 11/15:  Newt Gingrich acts like he thinks he is the smartest person in the room.  The sad thing is he is frequently right.

From 11/16:  In Bill O'Reilly's new book about Abraham Lincoln, he has Abe working in the Oval Office.  Never mind that the Oval Office did not exist until 43 years after Lincoln's death.  I don't mean to be all nit-picky, but Lincoln was not assassinated while watching a movie at Ford's Theatre.  It was the musical "Cats."

From 11/18:  Mr. Cain, what would you have done regarding Libya?  "As a businessman, i would lay all the facts on the table along with my secretary.  I would do exactly what i am doing now - fidget in my seat, fondle my tie and move the water bottle back and forth across the table."  So there you have it -- Fidget, Fondle and Move, a brilliant strategy for the times in which we live.

Sorry, everyone, I've been traveling.  Beginning again next week we'll be adding lines at least two times a week.   Hope you'll check back and until next week, here's part 1 of a catch up of the news:

10/28:  Population experts inform us that the 7 billionth person in the world will be born any day now.  The race is on.  Will the parents win some kind of lottery?  Can Mother Earth support 7 billion people?  Stupid question.  Mother Earth can't even afford bus fare to get to her three jobs.

10/31:  I loved the Herman Cain commercial in which the narrator blows cigarette smoke into the camera.  How brave of Cain to recognize that smokers are voters too -- although you may not want to follow them into the voting booth.  As the ad went viral, it was the puff blown 'round the world. 

11/1:  What a scene -- Herman Cain singing a church hymn at a Washington press conference.  The singing candidate, fighting allegations of sexual harassment, while looking like he was plugging an album.  Note:  The singing of hymns at the National Press Club is forbidden on the grounds that its members are way beyond redemption.

11/4:  In the middle of a global financial crisis, the G-20 Conference met in hedonistic Cannes, France where the spoiled champagne-for-breakfast crowd frolics on the nude beaches.  And those are just the bankers.  When Europe offered a plan to save Greece from total disaster, Greece said, "We'll think about it."  I suppose the Greeks could do much worse -- like turning the problem over to a super committee.

11/7:  The 2012 election is about hope and change.  Republicans hope that the unemployment rate will not change.

11/9:  Those Founding Fathers sure were short-sighted.  When they wrote the Constitution they left out whether a GPS device was permitted under the Fourth Amendment.  The Supreme Court is pondering whether a concealed tracking device constitutes illegal search and seizure.  Earth to Court:  privacy flew the coop years ago.  And Justice Alito -- I see that your lawn needs mowing.


Moammar Gadhafi, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein go into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve deceased dictators." Shame on the Libyans for killing Gadhafi without a trial. They should have followed America's example with Osama bin Laden when we -- oh never mind It was a moving sight as the mourners flocked for photo-ops with Gadhafi's corpse resting in a ceremonial pickup truck before lying in state in a flag-draped meat locker Gadhafi's death is the latest development in the so-called Arab Spring. An Arab despot is deposed and the world waits to see if another one springs up