Let me begin by assuring you that I am younger than Clint Eastwood.

Clint's principal role at the Republican convention was to identify with those families across the nation who keep an addled uncle in the attic.

I can say that because in my family, I am that uncle.

Who will be the Clint Eastwood at the Democratic convention?  Joe Biden. 

Prediction:  Congressman Todd Akin's campaign will go down the fallopian tubes.

You could say that Akin is pro-choice.  Between legitimate rape and forcible rape.

Media pundits are saying that this story will not go away.  That is not a prediction -- that is a promise.

What the hell else can happen this month?  Congressmen skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee?  Well yes, actually.

What's next?  Handball on the Wailing Wall?


Everybody duck!  I would say both sides are engaging in mudslinging but that would give mud a bad name.

I can't believe the slurs and innuendo.  I never knew that it was Paul Ryan who killed Osama bin Laden.

And I didn't know that entrepreneurs didn't build their own businesses -- they had help from the government.  Nancy Pelosi held the ladder.

In the end, Mitt Romney will have the last laugh -- if he is elected.  I see Mitt riding down Pennsylvania Avenue in the Inaugural Parade with his dog strapped to the roof of the limo. 

As Paul Ryan stood on the deck of the battleship USS Wisconsin and became Mitt Romney's running mate, the Tea Party-ers on board put up a sign:  Mission Accomplished.

At that moment, Ryan, this 14-year-member of Congress became an outsider.

Ryan on entitlements:  We are not entitled to them.

Think of yourself as a tightrope walker.  Ryan would lower the safety net and lay it flat on the floor.

Medicare?  Who needs it?  You get a voucher instead.  You simply take that voucher and rub it on the part of your body that is ailing. 

Harry Reid's anonymous source said that Romney didn't pay taxes for ten years.  My anonymous source tells me that Harry Reid's anonymous source is a big rabbit named Harvey.

Of course, if Romney didn't pay taxes for ten years that puts him in solidarity with Marion Barry.

The latest hurricane, "Ernesto" is traveling across Mexico.  If Ernesto crosses the US border, will he be classified as an illegal immigrant hurricane?

Rover lands on Mars and sends back a message that Martians are divided into two groups:  Shiites and Sunis.

Saint Peter:  Marvin Hamlisch!  Wow are we glad to see you!  We're putting together a huge show up here.  Mozart, Gershwin and Cole Porter are involved and we were hoping that you.....

Marvin:  Hold it.  I'm really kind of tired and besides it sounds too good and there's always a catch. 

Saint Peter:  There's no catch.

Marvin:  There's always a catch.  Come on, what is it?

St. Peter:  Well, all right.  You see.  God knows this girl.


It's in the Bible:  Marriage is between a man, a woman and Chick-fil-A.

If a gay man eats a Chick-fil-A sandwich is he no longer sexually attracted to Colonel Sanders?

It has come to this.  Chick-fil-A is now the official fast food of traditional marriage.  And you thought it was leftovers out of the fridge.

Nothing like getting the August doldrums off to a good start with a feud between Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin.  I was getting tired of the one between Mitt Romney and Mitt Romney.

Cheney said that Palin wasn't qualified to be vice president four years ago.  This is what happens when an old guy makes a rush to judgement.

Actually, Palin was not qualified to be vice president simply because she has perfect aim with a hunting rifle.


Olympics.  Take One.  Is it me, or did Queen Elizabeth look like she was on her way to the Tower of London for beheading?

Take Two.  On second thought -- maybe she had first heard about Romney implying that London was safer during the Blitz.

Take Three.  Sad that the spectacular torch ceremony had to be upstaged by Paul McCartney sounding like an old guy in a karaoke bar.

The Romney Insult-a-thon continued as he arrived in Israel to proclaim at a fundraiser that Israelis are more cultured than Palestinians.  He later appeared on a popular game show, "Pandering For Shekels".

Failed presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann, missed the attention so she decided to expose Muslim's in the government.  It was either that or dye her hair orange, load up and go to a movie.

What a country -- where mass shootings always produce spikes in public outrage, public hand-wringing and NRA memberships.

 "There are Muslims in the State Department!" cried Bachmann.  That's Michelle.  They are called experts.

Wait till she discovers that there are farmers in the Department of Agriculture.


Oh beautiful for spacious skies

For amber waves of grain.

My money is in Zurich

And some is in Bahrain.

So, vote for me, a business man

As president I'll reign.

Until then don't ask what year it was

When I left my job at Bain.


My tax returns are buried

In an off-shore cave.  Go look.

One of my greatest heroes said it best:

"I am not a crook."

And when I win, I promise

I'll be singing this refrain.

Maybe then I will remember 

The year that I left Bain.


These are the facts:  Mitt Romney left Bain to take over the Olympics,  One of the Olympic events was long distance outsourcing.

Obama sends Biden to the NAACP Convention.  Makes sense.  Biden is blacker.

In this record heat wave, Romney is shipping his money to a cooler country.

In Washington, the temperature and the number of senators getting free health care are in the triple digits.

(There are 100 senators).  You're welcome.

This just in:  In Florida, a white voter has been accidentally profiled.

This is approximately Day 300 in the futile search for the Republican alternative to Obamacare.