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USA: Our enemy is the Syrian regime.
Syrian Rebels: Our enemy is the Syrian regime.
Kurds: Ditto -- Count us in.
Turks: We're with you guys.

Turks: On second thought -- Down with the Kurds!
Kurds: Hey Turks -- don't F*** with us!
Syrian Rebels: Turks and Kurds, get off my lawn!
USA: Can we all get along?

Syrian Regime: Tell Putin we don't need him.

Oh, dear. Trump is getting all wobbly on immigration. To deport or not to deport? If I was an illegal, I wouldn't know what or when to pack.

Donald's latest clarification was in Arizona at a Latino church. Subtle, isn't he? How about a Taco Bell where he'll change his name to Donaldo?

Prediction: Hillary will be sworn in as president next January 20th. On January 21st, the Republican majority will begin the impeachment process.

When the process is completed, vice president Tim Kaine will become president. Recall how fluent in Spanish Kaine is. After Hillary is impeached, Kaine will be deported.

Stay with me. The next in line of succession is the Republican Speaker of the House. Paul Ryan becomes president.

At which point, our churches and liquor stores will be full.
Psychiatrists haven't the time to analyze Trump or Hillary's mental state. The shrinks are too busy treating the rest of us.

In this snake pit of an election year, the entire country is on the couch.

And poor Uncle Sam's treatments aren't even covered by Obamacare.

When they write the history of The Election of 2016, it should be called "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
Donald Trump's tax returns are hidden somewhere. Let's call them his weapons of mass deductions.

The tax code allows Donald to write off his suits as a business expense because he owns a line of clothing. Which includes his supporters' brown shirts.

No, his supporters are not Nazis. I was just being sarcastic.

I guess the slaves in Bangladesh who make his caps don't pay taxes either.

Hey -- Trump doesn't really own slaves. Again, I was being sarcastic. On, second thought, maybe not.
Here's the question facing America today? Why should we let Donald Trump anywhere near the nuclear button when he doesn't have all of his own buttons?

Philly, Day Four:

Hillary's acceptance speech can be boiled down into six words: You want it? You got it.

Maybe 12 words: Go forth and on your way out, pat Bernie on the head.

Earlier, General John Allen did his imitation of George C. Scott in the movie, "Patton".

Our country is not as dark as Trump describes and not as sunny as Hillary describes. It's something in between -- partly cloudy with a chance of locusts.


To borrow a word from Uncle Joe Biden, the American people must decide which candidate has the better malarkey.

Philly, Day Three:

Democrats, be grateful. You will never have it this easy.

An opponent who grotesquely mocks people with cerebral palsy? Check.

An opponent who asks the Russians to hack into the United States? Check.

An opponent who is playing the treason card? Check.

But not playing with a full deck? Like I said -- be grateful.

Philly, Day Two:

With Hillary Clinton's historic nomination, my favorite feminists come to mind -- my wife and the late, great humorists, Erma Bombeck and Molly Ivins.

With a female presidency possibly on the horizon, I can see Erma taking a day off from satirizing household chores, and Molly temporarily laying down the hatchet she generally applied to the feckless Texas State Legislature to celebrate.

As we watched Bill Clinton's speech praising his wife, my wife wiped away a tear and I made a snarky remark about Bill and Monica Lewinsky. My wife didn't throw anything at me, but she would have been justified.



 

Philly, Day One:

A well-balanced ticket. Crooked Hillary and Citizen Kane.

I never expected to hear chants of "lock her up" at a Democratic Convention. They were referring to Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Ya see, Democratic Headquarters had been bugged. By the Russians. And who was the chief bugger? G. Gordon Liddski.

The bugging revealed that Schultz and the DNC (Democratic National Conspirators) rigged the election toward Hillary. Which infuriated Bernie's running mate, Sarah Silverman.

Which provoked more chants - "It's not too late to send him money. Bernie Sanders, 2020!"

Cleveland, Day Four:

In his acceptance speech, Donald Trump finally looked presidential. President Mussolini.

Scary. How scary? I'm still under the bed where I'm writing this.

How scary? Outside the hall in Cleveland, Lake Erie froze.

But help is on the way. We look forward to next January 20 when no longer will we have to lock our doors at night.

Come January 20, the sun will shine, the flowers will bloom, the birds will sing, there will be no more crime and everyone will get a chocolate chip cookie and a puppy.

This nation will have a new birth of freedom and the Republican party will have a new logo: Ted Cruz's head on a spike.