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Here's what went down:  At midnight, New Year's Eve, Butch McConnell and the Sundance Biden almost jumped off the fiscal cliff like in the movie. But instead they compromised and kicked a can and Grover Norquist over the edge.

Why did the American people have to suffer months of agonizing suspense? Why couldn't Biden and McConnell have gotten together a long time ago? Because it took time for Joe to figure out a way to make Senator McConnell likeable -- a daunting task, indeed.

By 1:00 am, they raised taxes on millionaires. The Democrats could not resist piling on Mitt Romney one more time. By 2:00 am the senators were so tired they forgot to raise their own pay. That's not tired -- that's comatose.

With time running out, the Senate bill went over to the House. As the nation held its breath the House first took up the Drywall Safety Bill!

In the end, the Senate bill passed the House. After months of plowing through this fiscal manure pile, they found no pony -- only an estimated $137 reduction of the $4 trillion deficit.

Since it was still New Years. the members joined in singing Auld Lang Syne:  "For old acquaintance be forgot -- let's shake hands and just be friends. Till we meet again in two more months and scare the people once again."



What a nightmare:  the end of the world was postponed with NRA zombies armed with deadly Mayan calendars, frightened Obama and Boehner into kicking the can down the road toward April Fool's Day.

Aborting his Plan B, John Boehner came out with Plan C which actually is a board game suitable for children, ages 3 to 75.

Meanwhile, NRA officials conducted a seance, joining hands in a circle while attempting to contact Charleston Heston for instructions.

Heston didn't pick up.  He was at a shooting range with John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald and Bonnie and Clyde.
Oh, the stalemate. The gridlock. The selfish posturing on both sides. Hockey fans deserve better than this.

Which dispute will be settled first? The fiscal cliff or hockey? Place your bets on hockey - whose players are more polite.

As North Korea launches missiles and South Korea launches the stupid gangnam dance -- who won the Korean War? You tell me.

Question: Next September will Michigan celebrate Scab Labor Day?

President Obama was for Susan Rice before he would have been distracted by her.
Let's see, what day is it?  I forget whose turn it is to accomplish nothing, Obama's or Boehner's.

What entitlements or deductions would the Republicans cut?  I don't know because I am not cleared for top secret.

This Christmas, let us consider the three virtues:  Faith, Hope and Non-deductible Charity.

The Lord loves a cheerful giver -- even if he can't write it off.

We are asked to give 'til it hurts.  Take a millionaire to lunch.

The Bible teaches that in the Garden of Eden, the man's name was Adam and the woman's name was Eve.  But we don't know the name of the snake. Let me guess. Grover Norquist.

What does Grover Norquist have on the hundreds of members of Congress who hypnotically signed his
Sacred Pledge to Renounce Thinking for Themselves?

Did Grover Norquist hold a gun to their heads forcing them to sign a pledge to never raise taxes or else he, Grover, will sound his trumpet and the sun will come crashing into the earth and the oceans will turn blood red?

If we are to jump off the apocalyptic fiscal cliff, let us arise as one and shout to Grover loud and clear:  "You first."



Oh, dear.  The stars on generals' shoulders may indicate the number of their mistresses.

It must be written somewhere in the Constitution that if you are caught in a sex scandal, you had better be president of the United States and not a general.

With the final election results in, the president gets a phone call:
"Mr President, General Petraeus is on the line."

"Oh, good.  He probably wants to congratulate me.  General -- good to talk to you.  (Long pause) You what?  Your biographer? Is that what the army calls them? The Democrats use to call them interns."

"I assume your biographer left out a chapter, Eleven."

"The good news is that this takes the attention away from Benghazi and I can nominate Susan Rice to be Secretary of State."

My wife and I were just sitting around reminiscing about what wine went with Hostess Twinkies.

Alas, Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Ho Hos are going the way of hoop skirts, the Studebaker and the Republican party.

On second thought, some elected ding dongs are still with us.

Was the demise of Hostess yet one more thing delayed until after the election?  John McCain and Lindsay Graham want to know.

What wine went with Twinkies?  I forget -- but appropriately, it came in an empty bottle.




Oh dear.  The stars on generals' shoulders may indicate the number of their mistresses.

It must be written somewhere in the Constitution that if you are caught in a sex scandal you had better be president of the United States and not a general.

With the final election results in, the president gets a phone call: 
"Mr. President, General Petraeus is on the line."

"Oh good.  He probably wants to congratulate me!  General good to talk to you.  (long silence) You what? Your biographer?  Is that what the army calls them?  The Democrats use to call them interns."

"I assume your biographer left out a chapter.  Eleven."

"The good news is that this takes attention away from Benghazi and I can nominate Susan Rice to be CIA director."

First came the Hurricane Sandy
Then the president's victory handy.
Then Republican rage
But all was upstaged
When Petraeus turned out to be randy.
Though Petraeus had been clean as a whistle
From the CIA came his dismissal
What was the excuse?
The unauthorized use
Of the General's heat seeking missle.

Following his victory, Obama went to church.  Jeremiah Wright said, "welcome home."

As we approach the automatic budget cuts, it is no coincidence that the word sequestration rhymes with castration.

Because Obama got 16 million Hispanic votes, Republicans are saying that Romney's running mate should have been Senator Marco Rubio.  So, are we a different country?