First, the good news. There will be a Tea Party rally aboard a Carnival cruise.

As the pope prepares to resign, I like to think of it as a Hail Mary pass.

Any resignation brings to mind, Richard Nixon. Although in Benedict's case, I hope they don't find a smoking nun.

I'm rooting for that African cardinal. Too bad he has enemies spreading rumors that he was born in Hawaii.

Opposition to Chuck Hagel continues -- like Lindsay Graham's sneaking suspicion that when Hagel was in seventh grade, he was making paid speeches in North Korea and Saudi Arabia.

Do you suppose Lindsay Graham has a little statue of Joseph McCarthy on the dashboard of his bulldozer?
That Justice Department memo indicates progress in the war against terrorists. Every time they kill an American -- we kill an American.

Republican response:  at least we only tortured foreigners.

The American citizens that Obama targeted weren't exactly Eagle Scouts. There are no Merit Badges for IED making.

The bones of King Richard III have been positively identified by the curvature of his spine.  Perhaps in 600 years, Queen Elizabeth II will be identified by the purse attached to her hand.
Power failure in New Orleans for a half hour? Big deal. We once had a power failure in Washington that lasted four years. It was called the Carter Administration.

When I was a young boy in Catholic school, we would have had to go to confession after watching Beyonce's half-time show.

Baseball plays it safer -- at least at Yankee Stadium where the currently dead Kate Smith sings "God Bless America".

Stand by for the bipartisan McCain-Menendez immigration bill stipulating that we keep McCain and deport Menendez.

The inventor of Etch-a-Sketch has died. Either that or he disappeared.

What the hosts of Fox & Friends want to know:  How did Hillary get a concussion?  Where is the scar?  Was she pushed? Was the pusher acting alone?

Judging by the film, Mrs. Clinton fell at such an angle that there would have to have been another pusher shoving from the opposite direction from a grassy knoll.

The Fox hosts are curious that the attending physicians are strangely silent on whether Hillary fell, was pushed, or was hypnotised to believe that she fell.

Fox News is not satisfied with a Xerox copy of the medical report.  Perhaps the original is hidden away with Romney's tax returns, Obama's birth certificate and Steve Doocy's journalism degree from Sears.

Women in combat?  I surrender.  Women have excelled in combat for years. I give you Hillary Clinton.  

On her way to the Democratic nomination, Hillary already won the Benghazi Primary.

As the NRA prepares teachers for armed combat, we must include parochial schools:  Nuns with Guns.  

I will defend my Second Amendment right to use my musket to defend my Third Amendment right to never, ever allow a British soldier to live in my house. 
Chuck Hagel will make history at his confirmation hearing when he becomes the first cabinet nominee carrying shrapnel that sets off the metal detector.

War wounds are not enough to satisfy Hagel's Republican multi-deferment opponents. Being an Obama nominee cancels out Hagel's two Purple Hearts. War is hell and politics is worse.

The hearings will be conducted fairly -- if you don't count the water and the board.

Hagel's other "sin" is that he once referred to Israel supporters as "the Jewish Lobby". What else would you call them -- the Knights of Columbus?

January 9 is the 100th birthday of a Republican who definitely would have supported Chuck Hagel were he not dead.  Happy Birthday, Richard Nixon. You're looking better every day.
Here's what went down:  At midnight, New Year's Eve, Butch McConnell and the Sundance Biden almost jumped off the fiscal cliff like in the movie. But instead they compromised and kicked a can and Grover Norquist over the edge.

Why did the American people have to suffer months of agonizing suspense? Why couldn't Biden and McConnell have gotten together a long time ago? Because it took time for Joe to figure out a way to make Senator McConnell likeable -- a daunting task, indeed.

By 1:00 am, they raised taxes on millionaires. The Democrats could not resist piling on Mitt Romney one more time. By 2:00 am the senators were so tired they forgot to raise their own pay. That's not tired -- that's comatose.

With time running out, the Senate bill went over to the House. As the nation held its breath the House first took up the Drywall Safety Bill!

In the end, the Senate bill passed the House. After months of plowing through this fiscal manure pile, they found no pony -- only an estimated $137 reduction of the $4 trillion deficit.

Since it was still New Years. the members joined in singing Auld Lang Syne:  "For old acquaintance be forgot -- let's shake hands and just be friends. Till we meet again in two more months and scare the people once again."

What a nightmare:  the end of the world was postponed with NRA zombies armed with deadly Mayan calendars, frightened Obama and Boehner into kicking the can down the road toward April Fool's Day.

Aborting his Plan B, John Boehner came out with Plan C which actually is a board game suitable for children, ages 3 to 75.

Meanwhile, NRA officials conducted a seance, joining hands in a circle while attempting to contact Charleston Heston for instructions.

Heston didn't pick up.  He was at a shooting range with John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald and Bonnie and Clyde.
Oh, the stalemate. The gridlock. The selfish posturing on both sides. Hockey fans deserve better than this.

Which dispute will be settled first? The fiscal cliff or hockey? Place your bets on hockey - whose players are more polite.

As North Korea launches missiles and South Korea launches the stupid gangnam dance -- who won the Korean War? You tell me.

Question: Next September will Michigan celebrate Scab Labor Day?

President Obama was for Susan Rice before he would have been distracted by her.
Let's see, what day is it?  I forget whose turn it is to accomplish nothing, Obama's or Boehner's.

What entitlements or deductions would the Republicans cut?  I don't know because I am not cleared for top secret.

This Christmas, let us consider the three virtues:  Faith, Hope and Non-deductible Charity.

The Lord loves a cheerful giver -- even if he can't write it off.

We are asked to give 'til it hurts.  Take a millionaire to lunch.