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Obama to Syria's Assad:  "Cross this red line and use chemical weapons and you'll be sorry." Assad crosses the red line. Obama: "Come on, cross it, I dare you.  Think I'm bluffing? Ask the Iranians if I'm bluffing."

In the light of sequestered meat inspection -- America is using deadly weapons on its own people:  chickens.

Air traffic controllers won't be furloughed after all. The decision was arrived at by a poll of members of Congress stranded at the airport. The vote was unanimous.

At the gala opening of the George W Bush Presidential Library, Iraq was in a no-fly zone. Nobody went there.

Let's keep the dynasty going. Y'all know Jeb Bush -- he'll beat all the others -- so let's nominate the smarter brother.

 
Following the Boston Masscre, President Obama said, "we are not Democrats and Republicans now, we are Americans." So how does he explain both parties lighting verbal pressure cookers under each other?

Representative Peter King: "The bomber is an enemy combatant."
Senator Dianne Feinstein: "No he isn't."
What's the difference? With King, the bomber will be found guilty in ten years.  With Feinstein, five years.

We should apply the Miranda Rule to King and Feinstein: You both have the right to remain predictable.

The pols are stretching the situation to the immigration bill -- as people south of the border are saying, "Thank God the bomber isn't Mexican."

Iran: "Not one of ours."
Russia:  "Good luck with him."

In divided America, if a man from a red state marries a woman from a blue state, will their children grow up to be purple?
At least the Boston Marathon Massacre happened before the Sequester Massacre kicked in, at which time there would have been fewer responders, fewer ambulances, fewer FBI personnel and a downsized homeland security.

When the over-the-top budget cuts take effect, we can announce to our adversaries, "come and get us -- we're not ready."

And the historians will say -- "poor America. She became very vulnerable but at least she had a balanced budget.

Balanced by the unbalanced.
North Korea's leader, the dangerous munchkin Kim Jong Cock-a-doodle-doo is playing with his nuclear toys again.

Little Kimmy is aiming them right at us. This calls for emergency national hand wringing. We're not used to dealing with weapons of mass destruction you can actually see. (Google Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Iraq)

Option Number One: Another war with North Korea. You know what they say -- everything old is new again.

Option Number Two: Round up all suspicious looking Americans of North Korean descent. Watch for anyone ordering Kimchee at McDonald's.

What if North Korea invades South Korea again? Do we rush in again? When the American Civil War broke out in 1861 did the Koreans rush over here and butt in?

North Koreans would never criticize their government. They wouldn't dare bite the hand that doesn't feed them.
During the recent Supreme Court arguments over marriage equality, my favorite sign outside the Court read:  "Gay people have every right to be just as miserable as I make my husband."

Had I been there, my sign might have said: "If same-sex marriage is a threat to your marriage, what does that say about your marriage?"

Why do old people have more of a problem with marriage equality than young people? Simple. Not many old people watched "Will & Grace".

Marriage between a man and a woman is a sacred institution as defined in the Bible -- if you don't count the Old Testament concubines.

During the debate over the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) they left out the Defense of Hollywood Marriages Act (DOHMA).  As the ghost of Elizabeth Taylor hovered over the chamber.

Prediction:  DOMA will be repealed and Scalia and Thomas will just be close friends.
 
This month makes the third anniversary of the passage of the Affordable Care Act, known as Obamacare, designed to take effect around the fourth anniversary at which time we should know if it is affordable.

Passing it was the easy part. Now comes the hard part, explaining it. To be followed by the harder part, apologizing for it.

If you have any questions about the law your government has a handy five word response: We'll get back to you.

Sequester update: Government meat inspectors won't be laid off, after all.  Our meat will be fresh while other federal programs including Head Start will be allowed to spoil. 

The message to the poor is clear:  If you go hungry the food you did without was safe to eat.
Behold Bloomberg, the mayor gone mad.  He is banning cigarette displays in stores so children won't see them. What's next? The meat counter? Jimmy Dean - cover your sausage.

Hopefully, the Bloomberg Ban will cure childhood additiction to looking at cigarettes. The downside -- kids will suddenly crave Oreo cookies.

If they covered up everything in a supermarket that was bad for you -- there would be nothing left but the beer and wine.

In a Republican study, the GOP wants to reverse its image of the party of old white men. I wish them luck with young black women.

Republicans are divided. Some say, "we are the party of narrow-minded, out of touch, stuffy old men." Others take exception: "We are not stuffy."
Fifty thousand of the faithful gathered in St Peter's Square and each in his or her native tongue shouted, "thank God -- not another German!"

Finally, an American pope -- okay, South American -- but hey, at least he speaks Spanish, the official language of Texas, California and Arizona.

We never had a Pope Francis, never a Jesuit pope and never a Latin American pope.  The winner of that trifecta just broke the bank in Vegas.

Already, we can see the inspiring charisma of Pope Francis.  Catholics can look forward to a warm and fuzzy status quo.
Election time at the Vatican. White smoke means new pope. Black smoke means no smoke. No smoke means the old pope changed his mind. Second hand smoke means the Cardinals are taking a cigarette break.

How would we know if the election had been rigged? If the cardinal from Chicago wins.  This is the first papal conclave to include a Vatican bank examiner.

For the record, Jesus did not say, "thou art Peter and upon this rock I will build my bank."
President Obama and Secretary of State Kerry will go to Israel later this month. Whether the entourage will include Dennis Rodman has yet to be announced.

The budget cuts will slaughter some sacred cows while members of Congress will still live high off the hog.

Obama will spend the next two years campaigning for Democrats in the House. He will spend the next four years wishing he was a one-term president.

Joe Biden says we are not bluffing when we threaten military action against Iran but that we prefer a diplomatic solution. Yeah, but if the solution can be fired from a drone, they'll know we're not bluffing.