Behold Bloomberg, the mayor gone mad.  He is banning cigarette displays in stores so children won't see them. What's next? The meat counter? Jimmy Dean - cover your sausage.

Hopefully, the Bloomberg Ban will cure childhood additiction to looking at cigarettes. The downside -- kids will suddenly crave Oreo cookies.

If they covered up everything in a supermarket that was bad for you -- there would be nothing left but the beer and wine.

In a Republican study, the GOP wants to reverse its image of the party of old white men. I wish them luck with young black women.

Republicans are divided. Some say, "we are the party of narrow-minded, out of touch, stuffy old men." Others take exception: "We are not stuffy."
Fifty thousand of the faithful gathered in St Peter's Square and each in his or her native tongue shouted, "thank God -- not another German!"

Finally, an American pope -- okay, South American -- but hey, at least he speaks Spanish, the official language of Texas, California and Arizona.

We never had a Pope Francis, never a Jesuit pope and never a Latin American pope.  The winner of that trifecta just broke the bank in Vegas.

Already, we can see the inspiring charisma of Pope Francis.  Catholics can look forward to a warm and fuzzy status quo.
Election time at the Vatican. White smoke means new pope. Black smoke means no smoke. No smoke means the old pope changed his mind. Second hand smoke means the Cardinals are taking a cigarette break.

How would we know if the election had been rigged? If the cardinal from Chicago wins.  This is the first papal conclave to include a Vatican bank examiner.

For the record, Jesus did not say, "thou art Peter and upon this rock I will build my bank."
President Obama and Secretary of State Kerry will go to Israel later this month. Whether the entourage will include Dennis Rodman has yet to be announced.

The budget cuts will slaughter some sacred cows while members of Congress will still live high off the hog.

Obama will spend the next two years campaigning for Democrats in the House. He will spend the next four years wishing he was a one-term president.

Joe Biden says we are not bluffing when we threaten military action against Iran but that we prefer a diplomatic solution. Yeah, but if the solution can be fired from a drone, they'll know we're not bluffing.
On the 10th anniversary of the start of the Iraq war, Washington declared war on the American people.

Pick your villians.  Obama is the father of the bastard child, Sequester and Boehner and McConnell are the midwives.

Members of Congress had said that they would have to be crazy to allow sequester to pass.  Not so crazy when they exempted themselves from the pain.  We elected them -- so who is crazy?

Conservatives on the Supreme Court trust the southern states to uphold the Voting Rights Act without Washington supervision.  Court liberals do not trust the southern states because they voted for Romney.

Justice Scalia described the Voting Rights Act as "an entitlement" for African-Americans.  Clarence Thomas thanked "Massa" Scalia and brought him a mint julep.

European restaurant truth in advertising:  Spaghetti and horseballs.

The Defense department is like baseball.  the Republicans have already put Chuck Hagel on the disabled list.

Academy Awards fallout:  Best Anti-Semitic Teddy Bear Impersonation of Mel Gibson.  The Oscar goes to "Ted".

Dear Seth MacFarlane:  Loved the John Wilkes Booth joke -- LOL! (signed) John Hinckley.

This surgical thing, sequestration
Cuts the heart right out of the nation.
Doctors Simpson and Bowles
Have counter proposed:
A no anesthesia castration.

Come March 1st, get under your bed
The lights in our homes will go dead.
Our streets, unprotected
Our meat, uninspected
Congress hiding with bags on their heads.

The police will be home and unpaid
Teachers, the same, I'm afraid.
Air controllers not there
Pilots turning to prayer
All sanity further delayed.

In theory these cuts were invented
Never to be implemented.
What's coming this session?
Oh goody, Depression
To allow it, they must be demented.

To add to this, all I can say
Happy tax cut and have a nice day!
First, the good news. There will be a Tea Party rally aboard a Carnival cruise.

As the pope prepares to resign, I like to think of it as a Hail Mary pass.

Any resignation brings to mind, Richard Nixon. Although in Benedict's case, I hope they don't find a smoking nun.

I'm rooting for that African cardinal. Too bad he has enemies spreading rumors that he was born in Hawaii.

Opposition to Chuck Hagel continues -- like Lindsay Graham's sneaking suspicion that when Hagel was in seventh grade, he was making paid speeches in North Korea and Saudi Arabia.

Do you suppose Lindsay Graham has a little statue of Joseph McCarthy on the dashboard of his bulldozer?
That Justice Department memo indicates progress in the war against terrorists. Every time they kill an American -- we kill an American.

Republican response:  at least we only tortured foreigners.

The American citizens that Obama targeted weren't exactly Eagle Scouts. There are no Merit Badges for IED making.

The bones of King Richard III have been positively identified by the curvature of his spine.  Perhaps in 600 years, Queen Elizabeth II will be identified by the purse attached to her hand.
Power failure in New Orleans for a half hour? Big deal. We once had a power failure in Washington that lasted four years. It was called the Carter Administration.

When I was a young boy in Catholic school, we would have had to go to confession after watching Beyonce's half-time show.

Baseball plays it safer -- at least at Yankee Stadium where the currently dead Kate Smith sings "God Bless America".

Stand by for the bipartisan McCain-Menendez immigration bill stipulating that we keep McCain and deport Menendez.

The inventor of Etch-a-Sketch has died. Either that or he disappeared.