"Mission Accomplished!" He knocked Stormy Daniels off the front page.

"Mission Accomplished!" He dropped a bomb on James Comey's book tour.

"Mission Accomplished!" In a brilliant maneuver he distracted the media, as reporters flocked to Google to find out who the hell Scooter Libby is.

When the FBI searched Michael Cohen's office and seized his phone, his computer and his personal collection of Stormy Daniels movies, Trump drew a red line in the sand.

Do you think he will fire Bob Mueller?
He's backed into a corner, it's true.
Do you think he will pardon Bill Cosby?
I wouldn't put it past him, would you?
If we ever arm teachers, chances are they would have to pay for their own bullets.

If you are not willing to pay a teacher a decent wage, at lest give her a big tip when you get out of her car.

Underpaid teachers are not a joke, even though the Secretary of Education is.

Some teachers in Catholic schools are nuns but that doesn't mean public school teachers have to take a vow of poverty.
There once was a man named Scott Pruitt
As the EPA honcho he blew it.
In the oil lobby's pocket
Hey, it's cozy, don't knock it
The Swamp would survive and we knew it.

Governor Jerry Brown has signed California's driverless vehicle law. With an auto-pen I presume.

The Federal Government is taking a hands off approach. Keep your hands off the steering wheel and trust the car to read the "No U Turn" sign.

If you happen to be mowed down by a driverless car, keep calm until a driverless ambulance arrives.  
I asked God to help me to love Donald Trump and God said "that's funny -- his mother just asked for the same thing."

For the Democratic ticket in 2020, I proposed Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. They have the combined experience of a redwood.

Biden and Sanders would be a perfectly balanced ticket. One would capture the old geezer vote and the other would draw the old farts.

Question: if a doctor can run the Department of Veterans Affairs, can an infantryman be Surgeon General?
That NRA honcho, Wayne La Pierre, sure is scary. Perhaps the most dangerous French-named person since Marie Antoinette.

In a compromise, La Pierre gets to keep his gun but he loses his discount on Delta Airlines.

Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell are on top of the recent school shooting. Ryan does the thoughts and McConnell does the prayers. Sometimes they switch.

I claim not only my 2nd Amendment right but also my 3rd Amendment right to refuse to allow a British soldier to sleep in my house.
In Parkland, Florida, the good guy with the gun froze. As did the FBI.

While arming teachers, don't forget the Catholic schools. #NunsWithGuns. They could disarm a shooter with a ruler.

I know, it's not funny. Neither is a president who needs a written reminder to say, "I hear you" to students.

Question: Why did Trump make Paul Manafort his campaign chairman? Because he wanted the best deadbeat he could find.

The 2020 presidential campaign is sure starting early -- the Russians are already in New Hampshire.
Yes, it is a mental health issue. Therapists are needed to treat the chronic addition to NRA money by members of Congress.

Hashtag Me Too is growing. I am forming Hashtag Me Neither.

If I was an Olympic half pipe snow boarder, I wouldn't even talk to the curling "athletes".

If we are such a Christian nation, why doesn't love thy neighbor apply to Dreamers? Sad.
Upstaged by Memomania is Brenda Fitzgerald who purchased tobacco stock while she was director of the Centers for Disease Control.

She obviously passed the Trump vetting process where conflict of interest is a requirement.

Warning: Heavy smoking can cause tobacco stocks to go up.

Fitzgerald has left her job to spend more time with her children, Philip, Morris and her husband, Paul Mall.
You heard the president's speech. So repeat after me: I pledge allegiance to the coal of the united state of West Virginia.

He wants to end the war on beautiful, clean coal but no sanctions against ugly, dirty Russia.

And we must destroy those evil gangs, MS-13 and the FBI.

After calling for prison reform, Trump got a thank you note from Paul Manafort.

There were two ignored elephants in the room: Russia and Stormy Daniels.
White House physician, Dr. Ronny Jackson gave Trump a clean bill of physical and mental health. Or, as it is called in medical circles: Fake diagnosis.

No, I am not a doctor. Nor would I go to one named Ronny.

Paul Manafort's trial has been delayed until September which gives him more time to spend with the Russians.

The government could shut down at midnight on Friday. As they say in Hawaii, this is not a drill.

In the last minute scramble, how come nobody suggested paying for the beautiful wall with a going out of business sale?

Disregard that salacious allegation regarding Trump and a porn star. Perhaps she was being vetted to be the Senate chaplain.