Ted Cruz applied for Obamacare even though he promises to abolish it. His advanced phoniness is a pre-existing condition.

Indiana passed a law, making it easier to restrict serving Gays on religious grounds -- on the theory that if God wanted Gays to be served, he would have created Burger Queen.

Utah announced it will employ firing squads if they run out of drugs for lethal injections -- or, I imagine, if the guillotine breaks down.

The Supreme Court will decide if the state of Texas can allow an inflammatory message on its license plates. I'd say the word "Texas" is inflammatory enough.



New national anthem of Israel: "Yes Sir, That's My Bibi".

What is wrong with a two-state solution in Israel? It works with North Carolina and South Carolina, North Dakota and South Dakota, North Korea and South Korea. Okay, two out of three.

If you believe financial institutions can police themselves, you probably believe the police can police themselves.

England's King Richard III who died in 1485 will be properly buried this week, his remains having been discovered under a parking lot three years ago. Who will the US send to the funeral? We'll have to dig somebody up.

Here's an update on the nominee for Attorney General: Loretta Lynched.

The Republicans attached the Loretta Lynch confirmation to the human trafficking bill which felt so good, they stuck on an anti-abortion measure for old times sake so the Democrats couldn't vote for it.

And you thought "House of Cards" was cynical.

Delaying a human trafficking bill for petty political purposes amounts to the slavery and child prostitution preservation act.

There will be a vote on Loretta Lynch when Mitch McConnell is good and ready -- around the Easter recess. Of 2016 or 2017, if anybody still remembers who she is. Ain't nothin' like good government.


The proposal to remove Andrew Jackson from the twenty dollar bill and replace him with a woman makes sense to me. After all, we already have towns named Jackson, counties named Jackson, streets named Jackson, plus the Jackson 5.

Among the proposed women to bump off Andy are Eleanor Roosevelt, Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks, who of course, would be a two-fer.

Another nominee is Margaret Sanger, the mother, shall we say, of birth control. I suppose with Sanger twenties, your assets would have less chance of multiplying.

Should we wait until we have a female president to put a woman on the money? Let's just say the Clinton twenty? Then, when the South secedes from the Union, Andrew Jackson would remain on the Confederate twenty. Problem solved.

Amid unbridled rapture and multiple ovations, the newly crowned Honorary Republican, Benjamin Netanyahu, brought down the house. And the Senate. And the Obama negotiations.

Netanyahu's demands: Iran must recognize Israel's right to exist and Israel must recognize Netanyahu's right to be reelected.

Iran must play nice in the region and beat its centrifuges into plowshares. The Ayatollah Khomeini must lie down with a lamb.

Next on the agenda: the Republicans will pass a bill attaching the derailing of the Iran negotiations to the funding of the Department of Homeland Security.

Heard about Steven Spielberg's upcoming movie about Hillary? "Saving Private E-mail".

Who says our government is disfunctional? Congress is keeping the Department of Homeland Security on life support for another week, inspite of Republican efforts to pull the plug.

i sleep better at night knowing that our country is safe one week at a time.

But, how safe can Boehner be when the Tea Party just gave him a week's stay of execution?

Scott Walker compares unions with ISIS. And while we're at it -- let's abolish those pesky child labor laws.

Netanyahu's address to Congress could be billed as Boehner's Bar Mitzvah.

A message from Congress to DHS employees: "Do not panic. Food stamps are on the way."

As environmentalists cheered, President Obama vetoed the Keystone Pipeline bill. He then went outside and hugged a tree -- as Joe Biden hugged all the women.

President Obama has issued fewer vetoes than President Millard Fillmore but I doubt Obama appreciated being compared to Millard Fillmore.

Jeb Bush's allies: "He's his own man."  Jeb Bush's opponents: "He's his own brother."

One more indication that Hillary is running -- she has been working on her Patricia Arquette impersonation.

Congress is back to take up the Republicans' top agenda item: a joint resolution declaring that President Obama loves America," as far as we know".

Rudy Giuliani says he doesn't think Obama loves America. In this lovely political climate, Obama will have to take a polygraph or wear a battery operated flag pin that blinks on and off.

Renowned theologian and Wisconsin governor, Scott Walker, says he doesn't know if President Obama is a Christian. As a Christian, I don't know if Walker is an idiot.

Oh, I get it -- it's the Christians who love America versus the Democrats. But which are the Shiites and which are the Sunnis?

Let us stop this medieval religious suspicion so we can focus on whether to send troops to a region torn apart by medieval religious suspicion. 

The nation's first bisexual governor has taken the oath of office in Oregon. On two Bibles, I assume.

I keep confusing American Sniper, the movie, with American Sniper, the trial which serves as a plug for the movie. No popcorn at the trial, I assume.

A federal judge's ruling puts a stay on the Republican gimmick to shut down Homeland Security and blame it on the Democrats. Boehner put out a memo: "The blackmail is postponed."

Obama says he is using "strategic patience" regarding the war in Ukraine. Strategic patience? Is there a Ukrainian word for "huh"?

If the Clintons get back in the White House, they will have so many megabucks Clinton Foundation contributors to thank, the Lincoln Bedroom will need a wider bed. 

Who pulled the trigger and shot bin Laden? Brian Williams, that's who.

Who parachuted from the Asia Airline's plane? Brian Williams, it's true.

When John McCain crash landed in Hanoi, Who was his copilot? Brian, our boy.

Soon to be host of "Good Morning, Troy".

Lyin' Brian -- oy!