This I believe: the hurricanes in Texas are punishment for Texas electing Ted Cruz.

Every time a police officer refrains from using his weapon, the result is less paperwork and the department saves on tear gas.

The federal budget is like the menu in a fancy restaurant. If you have to ask how much an item costs, you can't afford it.

Many obese people who smoke are poor. Many thin non-smokers are wealthy. They spend their tax cuts on a spa.

Was there ever any doubt that Trump would eventually bring up Monica Lewinsky? What about the torrid affair that Trump is having with himself?

Brilliant Turkish bank shot: shoot down a Russian plane, so hopefully it would crash into an ISIS compound.

Not having a draft maybe a good idea. If Millennials are drafted into the army, they would probably complain about having to get up so early in the morning.

This is a generation that wants a student deferment from hurt feelings.

The Republican campaign message: The world will respect America again once we elect an obnoxious New York bully.

The first Thanksgiving according to Trump: After the feast, the Muslims killed all the pilgrims.

After Paris, Washington went into lockdown. That's when terrorists cause a shut down -- filling in for Ted Cruz.

Trump says he will bomb the shit out of ISIS. But that's not enough. His people are demanding F-bombs.

Trump would drive out the illegals with a "deportation force". Will the force have uniforms? I'm thinking brown shirts.

The Syrians are coming! The Syrians are coming! Drain the moat! We are the US Association of Governors and we approve this message.

Names in the news: Jhadi John is dead. Daffy Donald and Bonkers Ben are very much alive.

The Republican establishment is trying to figure out how to take out Daffy and Bonkers.

This is difficult because Iowa and New Hampshire are drone-free zones.

Voters must decide whether Daffy and Bonkers should be allowed to possess sharp objects, let alone the nuclear codes.
I can't wait to get the new iPhone 6s. It has all the bells and whistles including a catheter.

Internet traffic is much too slow. The other day at the CIA, they had to wait four hours before being hacked.

The prize for the most original Halloween costume goes to the guy wearing bathing trunks, going trick-or-treat as Bruce Jenner.

Ben Carson had a busy week. Quick -- can you name the last election when a candidate changed the name of the person he stabbed?

Let us not rule out the chance that Dr. Carson has been putting us on.
Jeb Bush reminds me of Mitt Romney. They bring to mind the old rule in politics: Never nominate a man who reminds women of their ex-husbands.

Republicans: "Hillary is a congenital liar."
Democrats: "No, she's a congenial lawyer."

The benevolent Peoples Republic of China has granted permission for its citizens to have two children instead of just one. Do the people of China still need a conjugal permit from the government?

Couples can frame the permit and hang it over the bed. A Chinese turn-on.
The Benghazi hearings will continue in sync with the alignment of the planets or until Jupiter collides with Congressman Trey Gowdy.

The Benghazi hearings will continue until the polka replaces hip hop.

The Benghazi hearings will continue until President Lincoln Chafee puts an end to them.

The Benghazi hearings will continue until the committee learns beyond a shadow of doubt whether Hillary had blue cheese or ranch dressing at lunch on the afternoon of September 11, 2012.

Joe Biden won't run, as Hillary confirms her belief in the power of prayer.

Bernie Sanders thanks Fruit of the Loom for its support.

Paul Ryan agrees to be Speaker of the House but only on the condition that he be given a food tester.

In our war against cyber crime, we may bring back selective service and draft an army of computer whizzes out of middle school.

Here's your headline from the Democratic debate: Lincoln Chafee clobbers Jim Webb and moves up to a single digit.

Chafee says that he never had a scandal. Which could be baggage in today's political climate.

During the debate, Hillary suddenly became likable which I suppose qualifies as a flip-flop.

Bernie Sanders defines himself as a Democratic-Socialist. What does he mean? It means that Bernie will definitely carry Denmark.

Joe Biden would have been a lot tougher on Hillary than those other guys. That's because Joe is the only one who doesn't want to be vice president.

The debate in Vegas actually set a record: a two hour Kumbaya moment.

Congressman Kevin McCarthy will not run for Speaker of the House because of a slight conflict: He is the idiot who let the Benghazi cat out of the bag.

Opposing the Trans Pacific Trade agreement, former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is distancing herself from President Obama. She is also distancing herself from Obama's former Secretary of State.

I have obtained an advance copy of Joe Biden's upcoming dramatic announcement: "My fellow Americans, after due consideration, I am announcing that I need a little more time."

California Governor Jerry Brown has signed the state's controversial assisted-suicide bill. The bill is strongly opposed by the Catholic League of Those Who are Feeling Just Fine.