Congressman Kevin McCarthy will not run for Speaker of the House because of a slight conflict: He is the idiot who let the Benghazi cat out of the bag.

Opposing the Trans Pacific Trade agreement, former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is distancing herself from President Obama. She is also distancing herself from Obama's former Secretary of State.

I have obtained an advance copy of Joe Biden's upcoming dramatic announcement: "My fellow Americans, after due consideration, I am announcing that I need a little more time."

California Governor Jerry Brown has signed the state's controversial assisted-suicide bill. The bill is strongly opposed by the Catholic League of Those Who are Feeling Just Fine.

Having trouble processing current events? Let me help: We have a nuclear agreement with Iran in order to prevent Planned Parenthood from developing a bomb.

Inspired by Pope Francis, John Boehner may enter a monastery. On K Street. Or, he could take up a hobby as a Hobby Lobby lobbyist.

The day after meeting with President Obama, Vladimir Putin ordered surprise bombing of the wrong target in Syria. Obama's next book: "The Audacity of Rope-a-Dope".

Russia's sneak attack brings to mind when Japanese officials were talking peace with Franklin D Roosevelt while the bombing of Pearl Harbor was taking place. Is Obama Roosevelt? Other than being handicapped, the similarity ends there.

 The pope arrived in Washington and captivated the city.
To Congress he proposed the Golden Rule
Which they bottled up in committee.

As Francis spoke, John Boehner wept
So moving, you had to love it.
The next day, Boehner still inspired
Said, "take this job and shove it".

By the end of October he'll fade away
A victim of party friction.
Boehner's on his way out as the tea party says,
"Cancel the crucifixion." 
True to tradition, Wednesday’s debate consisted of jokes masquerading as candidates.  

The candidates stood at a podium strategically placed in front of Ronald Reagan’s Air Force One in a naked display of fuselage envy.

Arriving at the Library, an empty car pulled up and Scott Walker got out.

In a hawkish mood, the candidates pledged to put boots on the ground, to wipe out Planned Parenthood, otherwise known as ISIL, whose officials have been known to eat babies.

Referring to the middle class, Donald Trump said, ‘“I’ve met them all and believe me — some of them are really great people.”

Carly Fiorina deflated Trump like an NFL football. The blusterer has no clothes.

If you don't think Donald Trump reflects much of America,you haven't seen America lately

Here is the pledge that Trump signed: "I, Donald J. Trump promise to support the Republican nominee at which time said nominee is me."

Where is the cartoonist depicting a pistol-packin' Barbara Bush confronting Trump: "Lay off my boy!"

It looks like the Iran agreement is a done deal. The document comes with a warning label: "Dangerous if swallowed".
Let us delve into the silent recesses of certain peoples' subconscious minds: Joe Biden silently hopes that Hillary's e-mail problem will be as permanent as her pant suits.

Donald Trump hopes that whenever a reporter starts to ask a follow up question, God will strike the reporter dead.

President Obama's subconscious thought: The Iran deal can result in direct flights on El Al from Tel Aviv to Teheran.

Jeb Bush's deep inner thought is, on reflection, the only job worth fighting for is governor of Florida.

Will this bashing of the president never cease? I'm talking about President Warren G. Harding.

Alleged DNA Tests allegedly conclude that Warren G. Harding allegedly fathered an alleged child with his alleged mistress, Nan Britton.

Preposterous. It is a matter of record that Harding was preoccupied with building his legacy: To rank 44th in a field of 44 presidents.

The descendants of the child are pleased with the DNA results. The descendants of Harding, a republican, may demand an investigation by the Senate Historical Love Child Subcommittee.

This scandal is certain to be an issue in the 2015 presidential campaign probably because Harding was from the all-important state of Ohio, whose official state motto is: "He did not have sex with that woman."

In 2016 he's a threat to the Queen
You know who I mean -- yes, it's Bernie.
He'd take from the rich as he promised he would
Vote for Robin Hood -- that's our Bernie.

Young people flock to Bernie
Not for his message or his lefty tone.
No - they just love Bernie
'Cause he's the coolest Grandpa they have ever known.

About his share the wealth scheme
Don't call him Marxist, that's mean.
In Vermont he's mainstream, centrist Bernie.

And miracles still happen
When Bernie is sworn in Election Day
After 44 Gentiles, it's time to make way for Bernie.
When Donald Trump was a little boy, his father asked him a question: "The Donald, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

Donald said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. You owe me an apology for asking such a question.

"Whether or not I chopped down this tree, which needed to be chopped down, quite frankly, is irrelevant.

Fact is, I will grow an absolutely fantastic tree and I guarantee you it will produce the most phenomenal cherries on the planet.

And everybody in America will get a bigger piece of the cherry pie. Especially the women. Who will thank me, by the way."

For the planting, Donald needed fertilizer piled high. And to this day, a huge pile of fertilizer is known as a Trump Tower.

Winner of the 5:00 debate -- Carly Fiorina. Winner of the 9:00 debate -- Carly Fiorina. She was not in the room but you might say neither was Jeb Bush.  

The candidates were asked about their relationship with God. In Trump's case, it's a case of self-worship.

Jeb said, "I am not my father." Why doesn't he give up and blame Iraq on his brother Marvin?

Rand Paul said, "I am not my father." Of course not. His father is a wacko libertarian who lives in a tree.  

Megyn Kelly asked Trump "why do you call women fat?" Trump answered, "only Rosie O'Donnell."  Trump "taps into what Americans are thinking" is the consensus. Apparently what America is thinking is that Rosie O'Donnell is fat. So it follows that if Rosie loses weight, the budget will shrink, there will be more jobs and ISIS will surrender.   

And the the world awaits our next attempt to be serious.