Congressman Jason Chaffetz asks, "what does it take to get fired from the Secret Service?" Here's a Top Ten list:

10) If, during an Inauguration, an agent wrestled the Chief Justice to the ground.
9) If an agent goes to work without his seeing eye dog.
8) If an agent needs a designated driver while going to a party.
7) if an agent ever used the president as a shield.
6) if his nickname in high school was "butthead".
5) if, when faced with a problem, the agent asked himself, "What would Laurel & Hardy do?"
4) If an agent ever paid a prostitute with his class ring from West Point.
3) If the agent was ever ejected from his church choir for singing, "99 bottles of beer on the wall".
2) if the agent ever returned fire at a 21-gun salute.
1) if the agent was ever caught listening to iTunes on his earpiece.

Encouraging news for the Republican candidates: Obama will not win in 2016, so you can stop running against him.

Michelle Obama cites a double-standard compared to past First Ladies regarding being ridiculed. Here's a two word rebuttal: Eleanor Roosevelt.

Defending his stratospheric speaking fees, Bill Clinton said, "I've got to pay the bills". Chelsea's student loans still not paid?

Under Great Britain's austerity, its army is reported to be the size it was in 1776! And I'll bet all those red coats still fit.

Memo to Tom Brady: Lose the goofy winter hat at the polygraph.
The ghost of the Founding Fathers descended on Garland, Texas and said: "A Prophet Mohammed cartoon contest? Seriously? Too pushy."

How about a contest for the first fearless media outlet to publish the winning cartoon? Don't hold your breath.

Freddy Gray's crime was making eye contact while black. A worse crime is apathy, or eyes glazed over while white.

Brain surgeon Ben Carson enters the presidential race. He's the guy who said that when straight convicts come out of prison, they are gay. Which shows that you don't have to be a brain surgeon to be a brain surgeon.

Updated phone message: "You have reached the Clinton Foundation. What's in your wallet?"

The right wing's out to get us, Hillary chimes.
The Washington Post and New York Times?
Every day a crisis -- that's how it plays.
The Lewinski years were the good old days.

 Bill Clinton made 100 mil since 2001.
From speeches made to companies like Uranium One.
The outfit owns deposits right here at home.
The mines are in Wyoming right near Teapot Dome.

 Hillary reacts with her usual aplomb.
Though her campaign may explode with a uranium bomb.
No need to worry -- it's hardly worth a mention.
If nobody but Fox is paying attention.



Monday, April 13 was Day One of the official Clinton campaign. It was also day 572 of Clinton Fatigue.

Hillary headed for Iowa in a van which she dubbed, Scooby-Doo". Cute, if only the legal voting age was 12.

Cuba is no longer on the list of states that sponsor terrorism. Cuba's new designation: The Land Where Old Cars Go To Die.

Security glitch of the week: A one-man home made helicopter flew over Washington and landed near the Capitol building. I thought it was Rand Paul's campaign plane. 

Hillary announced her candidacy on Twitter. She couldn't rent a ballroom? What's she got against the hotel industry? Real Americans like balloons.

She immediately resigned from the board of the Clinton Foundation. These particular family values would not be helpful.

Enter Marco Rubio whose first task is to convince the voters that he, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are not the same person. Think Tea Party Holy Trinity.

In Rand Paul's stunningly dumbed-down announcement, he pledged term limits and a balanced budget amendment. This resonated with 20-year-olds who were hearing these tired, 20-year-old clich├ęs for the first time.

Reconciliation with the US is lifting the spirits of the Cuban people but maybe they should hold off on the Bay of Pigs Visitor Center.

The US and Iran disagree on what they just agreed on -- like newlyweds who don't remember taking their vows because they were drunk at the time.

John McCain called John Kerry "delusional". McCain could be censured by the entire Senate Delusional Caucus.

Big breakthrough on talks with Iran. The collapse is now postponed until June 30.

The Iranian leaders are softening. They now say the Holocaust might have happened.

Questions in Indiana remain. Can a Christian bakery be forced to sell hot cross buns to Jewish lesbians?

"You've got the law all wrong", says Indiana Governor Mike Pence. "It's not about discrimination, it's about religious freedom to discriminate -- there's a big difference."

Ted Cruz applied for Obamacare even though he promises to abolish it. His advanced phoniness is a pre-existing condition.

Indiana passed a law, making it easier to restrict serving Gays on religious grounds -- on the theory that if God wanted Gays to be served, he would have created Burger Queen.

Utah announced it will employ firing squads if they run out of drugs for lethal injections -- or, I imagine, if the guillotine breaks down.

The Supreme Court will decide if the state of Texas can allow an inflammatory message on its license plates. I'd say the word "Texas" is inflammatory enough.



New national anthem of Israel: "Yes Sir, That's My Bibi".

What is wrong with a two-state solution in Israel? It works with North Carolina and South Carolina, North Dakota and South Dakota, North Korea and South Korea. Okay, two out of three.

If you believe financial institutions can police themselves, you probably believe the police can police themselves.

England's King Richard III who died in 1485 will be properly buried this week, his remains having been discovered under a parking lot three years ago. Who will the US send to the funeral? We'll have to dig somebody up.

Here's an update on the nominee for Attorney General: Loretta Lynched.

The Republicans attached the Loretta Lynch confirmation to the human trafficking bill which felt so good, they stuck on an anti-abortion measure for old times sake so the Democrats couldn't vote for it.

And you thought "House of Cards" was cynical.

Delaying a human trafficking bill for petty political purposes amounts to the slavery and child prostitution preservation act.

There will be a vote on Loretta Lynch when Mitch McConnell is good and ready -- around the Easter recess. Of 2016 or 2017, if anybody still remembers who she is. Ain't nothin' like good government.