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I can't wait to get the new iPhone 6s. It has all the bells and whistles including a catheter.

Internet traffic is much too slow. The other day at the CIA, they had to wait four hours before being hacked.

The prize for the most original Halloween costume goes to the guy wearing bathing trunks, going trick-or-treat as Bruce Jenner.

Ben Carson had a busy week. Quick -- can you name the last election when a candidate changed the name of the person he stabbed?

Let us not rule out the chance that Dr. Carson has been putting us on.
Jeb Bush reminds me of Mitt Romney. They bring to mind the old rule in politics: Never nominate a man who reminds women of their ex-husbands.

Republicans: "Hillary is a congenital liar."
Democrats: "No, she's a congenial lawyer."

The benevolent Peoples Republic of China has granted permission for its citizens to have two children instead of just one. Do the people of China still need a conjugal permit from the government?

Couples can frame the permit and hang it over the bed. A Chinese turn-on.
The Benghazi hearings will continue in sync with the alignment of the planets or until Jupiter collides with Congressman Trey Gowdy.

The Benghazi hearings will continue until the polka replaces hip hop.

The Benghazi hearings will continue until President Lincoln Chafee puts an end to them.

The Benghazi hearings will continue until the committee learns beyond a shadow of doubt whether Hillary had blue cheese or ranch dressing at lunch on the afternoon of September 11, 2012.

Joe Biden won't run, as Hillary confirms her belief in the power of prayer.

Bernie Sanders thanks Fruit of the Loom for its support.

Paul Ryan agrees to be Speaker of the House but only on the condition that he be given a food tester.

In our war against cyber crime, we may bring back selective service and draft an army of computer whizzes out of middle school.

Here's your headline from the Democratic debate: Lincoln Chafee clobbers Jim Webb and moves up to a single digit.

Chafee says that he never had a scandal. Which could be baggage in today's political climate.

During the debate, Hillary suddenly became likable which I suppose qualifies as a flip-flop.

Bernie Sanders defines himself as a Democratic-Socialist. What does he mean? It means that Bernie will definitely carry Denmark.

Joe Biden would have been a lot tougher on Hillary than those other guys. That's because Joe is the only one who doesn't want to be vice president.

The debate in Vegas actually set a record: a two hour Kumbaya moment.

Congressman Kevin McCarthy will not run for Speaker of the House because of a slight conflict: He is the idiot who let the Benghazi cat out of the bag.

Opposing the Trans Pacific Trade agreement, former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is distancing herself from President Obama. She is also distancing herself from Obama's former Secretary of State.

I have obtained an advance copy of Joe Biden's upcoming dramatic announcement: "My fellow Americans, after due consideration, I am announcing that I need a little more time."

California Governor Jerry Brown has signed the state's controversial assisted-suicide bill. The bill is strongly opposed by the Catholic League of Those Who are Feeling Just Fine.

Having trouble processing current events? Let me help: We have a nuclear agreement with Iran in order to prevent Planned Parenthood from developing a bomb.

Inspired by Pope Francis, John Boehner may enter a monastery. On K Street. Or, he could take up a hobby as a Hobby Lobby lobbyist.

The day after meeting with President Obama, Vladimir Putin ordered surprise bombing of the wrong target in Syria. Obama's next book: "The Audacity of Rope-a-Dope".

Russia's sneak attack brings to mind when Japanese officials were talking peace with Franklin D Roosevelt while the bombing of Pearl Harbor was taking place. Is Obama Roosevelt? Other than being handicapped, the similarity ends there.

 The pope arrived in Washington and captivated the city.
To Congress he proposed the Golden Rule
Which they bottled up in committee.

As Francis spoke, John Boehner wept
So moving, you had to love it.
The next day, Boehner still inspired
Said, "take this job and shove it".

By the end of October he'll fade away
A victim of party friction.
Boehner's on his way out as the tea party says,
"Cancel the crucifixion." 
True to tradition, Wednesday’s debate consisted of jokes masquerading as candidates.  

The candidates stood at a podium strategically placed in front of Ronald Reagan’s Air Force One in a naked display of fuselage envy.

Arriving at the Library, an empty car pulled up and Scott Walker got out.

In a hawkish mood, the candidates pledged to put boots on the ground, to wipe out Planned Parenthood, otherwise known as ISIL, whose officials have been known to eat babies.

Referring to the middle class, Donald Trump said, ‘“I’ve met them all and believe me — some of them are really great people.”

Carly Fiorina deflated Trump like an NFL football. The blusterer has no clothes.

If you don't think Donald Trump reflects much of America,you haven't seen America lately

Here is the pledge that Trump signed: "I, Donald J. Trump promise to support the Republican nominee at which time said nominee is me."


Where is the cartoonist depicting a pistol-packin' Barbara Bush confronting Trump: "Lay off my boy!"

It looks like the Iran agreement is a done deal. The document comes with a warning label: "Dangerous if swallowed".