"Do you Ted take Carly to be your lawfully wedded running mate until death in Cleveland do you part?"

"I do."

"And do you, Carly, take this hopeless underdog, Ted, even after speaking out against him for months and then doing a flip-flop when he took you in his arms and proposed?"

"I don't like the way you put it but yeah, I do."

"Then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you conman and running mate. Ted, you may kiss the bride."

"Do I have to?"

Justice moves slowly. At last, Harriet Tubman will be on the $20 bill and Andrew Jackson will have to sit on the back of the bill.

And yet, a transgender person needs a birth certificate to go to the bathroom in North Carolina.

And you have to feel sorry for liberals who are struggling to accept gay climate change deniers. 

On college campuses, global warming skeptics are being demonized. It's enough to get you kicked off of the debating team.

On today's college debating team both sides must agree with each other.

Start spreadin' da news
It's "eff you" to Cruz
'Cause we made sure he'd lose
New York, New York.

Hey Bernie, what's new?
Here's one little clue
You've met your Waterloo
In Old New York.

And the "Good Donald" in victory
Was quite sedate
With his bad side, the guy could be
His own running mate.

To Cleveland they'll go
The lid's gonna blow
Just like Chicago did
In sixty-eight

And in the Fall we'll see
Trump trashing Hillary
Enough to bring her victory.

Are America's best days still ahead? Absolutely -- so long as none of the candidates win.

Recent LGBT legislation in North Carolina and Mississippi is very simple. If you were born a bigot you must use the senators' bathroom.

When a man becomes a woman, she will start making 79 cents for every dollar she made as a man. You'd think employers would be fine with that.  

Princeton University has decided to keep President Woodrow Wilson's name on some of the campus buildings despite clear evidence that Wilson was a racist. His defenders claim that he has changed.

Six months ago, if only Trump had made a speech insulting Carly Fiorina, Megyn Kelly and John McCain and called Mexicans rapists, and welcomed the support of Klansman David Duke and said that women getting abortions should be punished and bragged about the size of his genitalia maximus -- all in one speech - we might have been spared this Chinese water torture. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Angry rant du jour: Obama went to a ball game in Cuba and did the tango in Argentina, when he should have been doing both in Brussels.

November can't come soon enough when we can finally get to vote on which candidate has the ugliest wife.

Then on January 20, as our new president is sworn in, he will place his hand on the National Enquirer.

The National Enquirer lies by claiming there were five women in this country who found Ted Cruz hot.

Advice to John Kasich: Wear a cap that says, "Make America Sane Again."
And now there are three remaining Republican candidates: Trump, Cruz and the token human, John Kasich.

Do you hear what I hear? "Too many jobs are being outsourced to New Mexico."

"Hillary should have left Bill when he was carrying on with Monica Benghazi."

"I will build up the military. On Day One I will make the Pentagon an Octagon."

"My father was a bartender. When he first met my mother, he said 'you've had enough.'"

"Merrick Garland? What kind of name is that? Where is he from --- Mozambique?"
As drug prices continue to soar, many of these medicines have the same side effect: poverty.

Big Pharma response: The rarer the disease, the higher the cost of the prescribed med. If only one person in a million ever had a headache, an aspirin tablet might cost $100.

Political response: Drug prices are speech.

There will be more Flint, Michigan's in mostly poor neighborhoods. Tragically, people of color will draw water of color.

Hillary and Bernie held a debate in Flint to make idle promises while drinking bottled water off camera.

What was the point? To tell the people of Flint to hang in until we have a Democratic president?

I would call this Watergate but I understand the label has been taken.

Can the governor of Michigan be thrown out? It's a lead pipe cinch.

Trump's new campaign slogan: Size Matters.

At Thursday's debate, an intellectual peak was reached when Trump boasted about the size of his Hammond organ, only he wasn't referring to a Hammond organ.

Had it been any other candidate, this would have been his swan schlong, but alas, not for Mr. Trump.

He is altogether too cocksure of himself and the evidence should be laid on the table.

As the old song goes "Try to remember the size of your member..."