Philly, Day One:

A well-balanced ticket. Crooked Hillary and Citizen Kane.

I never expected to hear chants of "lock her up" at a Democratic Convention. They were referring to Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Ya see, Democratic Headquarters had been bugged. By the Russians. And who was the chief bugger? G. Gordon Liddski.

The bugging revealed that Schultz and the DNC (Democratic National Conspirators) rigged the election toward Hillary. Which infuriated Bernie's running mate, Sarah Silverman.

Which provoked more chants - "It's not too late to send him money. Bernie Sanders, 2020!"

Cleveland, Day Four:

In his acceptance speech, Donald Trump finally looked presidential. President Mussolini.

Scary. How scary? I'm still under the bed where I'm writing this.

How scary? Outside the hall in Cleveland, Lake Erie froze.

But help is on the way. We look forward to next January 20 when no longer will we have to lock our doors at night.

Come January 20, the sun will shine, the flowers will bloom, the birds will sing, there will be no more crime and everyone will get a chocolate chip cookie and a puppy.

This nation will have a new birth of freedom and the Republican party will have a new logo: Ted Cruz's head on a spike.

Cleveland, Day One:

Rudy Guliani missed his distemper shot.

In the words of Melania Trump: "Donald and I met when he was teaching law at the University of Chicago."

Cleveland, Day Two:

The glassy-eyed mob shouts "guilty" to Chris Christie's anti-Hillary harangue. Christie is caught plagiarizing Pontius Pilate.

Cleveland, Day Three:

After being booed, Ted Cruz was so mad, he may shut down the government -- again.

Veep hopeful, Mike Pence to the rescue. Trump is so wild, they had to put a governor on him.

Mike Pence -- good choice. He will deliver the white male vote.

I was hoping for Newt Gingrich as Trump's running mate but I realize that my cup runneth over already.

Pence brought religious freedom to Indiana where Christian bakers are not compelled to sell wedding cakes with two male statuettes standing on top.

Slouching toward Cleveland, demonstrators may legally carry weapons while delegates inside the area must be unarmed. And that includes guns, cans of food and second thoughts about the nominee.

Ohio State Police were watching one heavily armed demonstrator until they realized it was Governor John Kasich.

Paraphrasing Lincoln: A house divided is sinking into Lake Erie.

No prosecution for Hillary but she was extremely careless which is good enough for a government employee.

Response from the Democrats: At last, it's over.
Response from the Republicans: The Cause will never die.

Earlier, Bill Clinton had a chat with Attorney General Loretta Lynch aboard her plane. Later, he said, "I did not have a legal discussion with that woman."

You say you are for Trump over Hillary
Ruling her out and that's that
Neither one is a saint
Mother Teresa she ain't
You're voting for Hitler?
Well, good luck with that.
No police convictions in Baltimore, so far. I guess this makes it official: Freddy Gray died of old age.

When the Brits threw tea into the harbor, you knew that a Declaration of Independence from Europe would be forthcoming.

The text for "give me liberty or give me death" is "Brexit". As their old song goes -- "We'll be jumping over the white cliffs of Dover".

However, the British version of "give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free: is "bug off".

If Trump wins, "bug off" will be the new inscription on the Statue of Liberty -- as her middle finger replaces her torch.
Bulletin! An unruly mob entered the House of Representatives, sat on the floor and began chanting anti-gun slogans. Positively identified as members of Congress, they will be charged with actually doing something.

Earlier this week, the Senate voted four times in one day to remain unmoved by the Orlando massacre. There were 49 victims. Does the NRA have a quota of 50 victims before addressing the problem?

The NRA should be put on the No Buy list. If they stopped buying senators, more people would live.

And this from the Journal of Medicine: Every time Donald Trump ad libs without a teleprompter another Republican has a heart attack. 
Running for reelection in Arizona, John McCain has some interesting campaign pledges: Improve Arizona's highways, improve Arizona's schools and check the Orlando assault weapon for President Obama's fingerprints.

Which begs the question -- when running for office in Arizona, is calling the President of the United States a mass murderer a requirement?

Which begs the question -- what about the deadly Zika mosquitos? Does Senator McCain believe the mosquitos got here because of Obama's lax immigration policy?

Which begs the question -- will Trump build a wall to keep the mosquitos out?

Which begs the question -- why is this year different from any other year? Because there must be something in the water causing this country to lose its marbles.
Trump is changing his stance on gun laws. Apparently, his protective vest is too uncomfortable to wear.

Boeing wants to sell 100 jets to Iran. Already, the planes are receiving heavy anti-aircraft fire from Congress before they even get off the ground.

Iran needs to update the planes for Iran Airlines, Death to America Airlines and Curse the Infidel Airlines.

Boeing says these will be passenger planes and will not be equipped with bomb bays.

One thing you must assume
When you use the powder room in Carolina
If your gender you have transed
Have your birth ID in hand or they will fine ya.

If you're now a woman
The governor doesn't care.
He says, "now use the men's room
Nobody will bother you there."

The politicians found the time
To make the bathroom law's a crime, can you perceive it.
Down in old NC bring your proof of birth to pee
Would you believe it?

That state sure must be tranquil
And at peace through and through.
The cops must all look busy
So here's what they do:
Hang around the bathroom stalls
Just to see if you have balls
In Carolina!