Philly, Day Four:

Hillary's acceptance speech can be boiled down into six words: You want it? You got it.

Maybe 12 words: Go forth and on your way out, pat Bernie on the head.

Earlier, General John Allen did his imitation of George C. Scott in the movie, "Patton".

Our country is not as dark as Trump describes and not as sunny as Hillary describes. It's something in between -- partly cloudy with a chance of locusts.

To borrow a word from Uncle Joe Biden, the American people must decide which candidate has the better malarkey.

Philly, Day Three:

Democrats, be grateful. You will never have it this easy.

An opponent who grotesquely mocks people with cerebral palsy? Check.

An opponent who asks the Russians to hack into the United States? Check.

An opponent who is playing the treason card? Check.

But not playing with a full deck? Like I said -- be grateful.

Philly, Day Two:

With Hillary Clinton's historic nomination, my favorite feminists come to mind -- my wife and the late, great humorists, Erma Bombeck and Molly Ivins.

With a female presidency possibly on the horizon, I can see Erma taking a day off from satirizing household chores, and Molly temporarily laying down the hatchet she generally applied to the feckless Texas State Legislature to celebrate.

As we watched Bill Clinton's speech praising his wife, my wife wiped away a tear and I made a snarky remark about Bill and Monica Lewinsky. My wife didn't throw anything at me, but she would have been justified.


Philly, Day One:

A well-balanced ticket. Crooked Hillary and Citizen Kane.

I never expected to hear chants of "lock her up" at a Democratic Convention. They were referring to Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Ya see, Democratic Headquarters had been bugged. By the Russians. And who was the chief bugger? G. Gordon Liddski.

The bugging revealed that Schultz and the DNC (Democratic National Conspirators) rigged the election toward Hillary. Which infuriated Bernie's running mate, Sarah Silverman.

Which provoked more chants - "It's not too late to send him money. Bernie Sanders, 2020!"

Cleveland, Day Four:

In his acceptance speech, Donald Trump finally looked presidential. President Mussolini.

Scary. How scary? I'm still under the bed where I'm writing this.

How scary? Outside the hall in Cleveland, Lake Erie froze.

But help is on the way. We look forward to next January 20 when no longer will we have to lock our doors at night.

Come January 20, the sun will shine, the flowers will bloom, the birds will sing, there will be no more crime and everyone will get a chocolate chip cookie and a puppy.

This nation will have a new birth of freedom and the Republican party will have a new logo: Ted Cruz's head on a spike.

Cleveland, Day One:

Rudy Guliani missed his distemper shot.

In the words of Melania Trump: "Donald and I met when he was teaching law at the University of Chicago."

Cleveland, Day Two:

The glassy-eyed mob shouts "guilty" to Chris Christie's anti-Hillary harangue. Christie is caught plagiarizing Pontius Pilate.

Cleveland, Day Three:

After being booed, Ted Cruz was so mad, he may shut down the government -- again.

Veep hopeful, Mike Pence to the rescue. Trump is so wild, they had to put a governor on him.

Mike Pence -- good choice. He will deliver the white male vote.

I was hoping for Newt Gingrich as Trump's running mate but I realize that my cup runneth over already.

Pence brought religious freedom to Indiana where Christian bakers are not compelled to sell wedding cakes with two male statuettes standing on top.

Slouching toward Cleveland, demonstrators may legally carry weapons while delegates inside the area must be unarmed. And that includes guns, cans of food and second thoughts about the nominee.

Ohio State Police were watching one heavily armed demonstrator until they realized it was Governor John Kasich.

Paraphrasing Lincoln: A house divided is sinking into Lake Erie.

No prosecution for Hillary but she was extremely careless which is good enough for a government employee.

Response from the Democrats: At last, it's over.
Response from the Republicans: The Cause will never die.

Earlier, Bill Clinton had a chat with Attorney General Loretta Lynch aboard her plane. Later, he said, "I did not have a legal discussion with that woman."

You say you are for Trump over Hillary
Ruling her out and that's that
Neither one is a saint
Mother Teresa she ain't
You're voting for Hitler?
Well, good luck with that.
No police convictions in Baltimore, so far. I guess this makes it official: Freddy Gray died of old age.

When the Brits threw tea into the harbor, you knew that a Declaration of Independence from Europe would be forthcoming.

The text for "give me liberty or give me death" is "Brexit". As their old song goes -- "We'll be jumping over the white cliffs of Dover".

However, the British version of "give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free: is "bug off".

If Trump wins, "bug off" will be the new inscription on the Statue of Liberty -- as her middle finger replaces her torch.
Bulletin! An unruly mob entered the House of Representatives, sat on the floor and began chanting anti-gun slogans. Positively identified as members of Congress, they will be charged with actually doing something.

Earlier this week, the Senate voted four times in one day to remain unmoved by the Orlando massacre. There were 49 victims. Does the NRA have a quota of 50 victims before addressing the problem?

The NRA should be put on the No Buy list. If they stopped buying senators, more people would live.

And this from the Journal of Medicine: Every time Donald Trump ad libs without a teleprompter another Republican has a heart attack.