This week's alternate facts: The Senate Subcommittee on the Size of the Inaugural Crowd will subpoena all 34 million people who attended the Inauguration.

The ghost of Martin Luther King removed his own bust from the Oval Office and returned it a few hours later.

President Trump went to CIA headquarters to tell the employees they were no longer Nazis.
Twinkle, Twinkle little czar
Putin made you what you are.
He hacked away at Hillary
Attacking our democracy.
Welcome to the puppet show
President Pinocchio.

Ringling Brothers may be shutting down but a bigger circus with more clowns opens on Friday.

The new ringmaster will use his bull hook on the GOP elephants to make them perform the cruel stunt of simultaneously repealing and replacing Obamacare while standing on two legs.

The downside of circus life is cleaning up after the elephants.

I don't know how the Supreme Court will rule in the case regarding an Asian-member band called the Slants. Is there an occidental band called the Rounds?

The Patent and Trademark office has in fact, registered the bands White Trash, Whores from Hell, Hookers & Blow, the Pricks and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra.

Senator Sessions, do you believe that grabbing a woman's genitals constitutes sexual assault? Well, prior to my nomination for attorney general, no. But now that I am the nominee, absolutely.

Trump wants the Republicans to repeal and replace Obamacare almost simultaneously. How can they do that? Repeal Obamacare simply by rebranding it, Trumpcare. Replace Obamacare the same way. Obamacare is history and everybody wins.

Watch for a furious and vindictive president-elect hitting back at CNN: "Wolf Blitzer. Mud Wresting. Naked. Situation Room? Just saying."
At this point we can only speculate on what sort of dirt the Russians have on Trump. It couldn't be anymore than what we Americans have on him.

In fact, Trump was so disgraced, we elected him president.

Let's say it comes out that Trump has a Russian mistress. He would still have time to marry her by January 20.

By the way, if Meryl Streep went on "Saturday Night Live" and recited a passage from the musical "Hamilton", Trump could hit three targets with one tweet -- giving him more time to govern. 
Correct me if I'm right: the Russians hacked Arnold Schwarzenegger's performance on "Celebrity Apprentice". 

Joe Biden tells Donald Trump to "grow up and become an adult". Thus, Joe's opening salvo for 2020. Game on!

President-elect Trump. When that hyphen disappears, abandon all hope.

Or, perhaps in his Inaugural Address, he will be in touch with his better angels. Those guys have been out of work for a long time.

In Russia threat denial, Trump sounds like Scarlett O'Hara: "Oh, fiddle dee dee, I just hate all this talk of cyber war war war!"
Forget the FBI, the Russians and the Electoral College. Hillary lost because she didn't win over enough people who bowl.

Regarding Trump, when you don't win the popular vote, you don't have to be that popular.

Kellyanne Conway will be a Trump Administration's presidential counselor. Her official duty: Serving credibility where none exists.

And this true quote from Obama: "If Donald Trump succeeds the country succeeds." What country -- Russia?

The Rockettes will be at the Inaugural but they may just stand still. The Trump people have high hopes to get Wayne Newton, Pat Boone and the one living Beach Boy.
An E-Christmas

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Children texting by the tree.

Yuletide carols on iTunes in my ear
Heard by no one else but me.

Checking email by the mistletoe.

Wrapping presents sure to please.
High tech toys, all the best from Japan
That don't include the batteries.

And here comes Santa on the run.
Driving his eight potential flying venison.
His workshop's stock is rated high
Since it bought out Target and Best Buy.

Everyone at their computers now
Onto their screens the family delves.
The silence dense -- conversations commence
With everyone but themselves.

Ah for the days of yore when Russia had its sympathizers hidden inside the State Department.

As opposed to today, when Putin might show up as a character witness for Comrade Rex Tillerson.

Trump now says Paul Ryan “is like a fine wine”. Not that long ago, Ryan was Thunderbird.

Good news: With driverless cars, people now have the freedom to text and pray at the same time.