Six months ago, if only Trump had made a speech insulting Carly Fiorina, Megyn Kelly and John McCain and called Mexicans rapists, and welcomed the support of Klansman David Duke and said that women getting abortions should be punished and bragged about the size of his genitalia maximus -- all in one speech - we might have been spared this Chinese water torture. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Angry rant du jour: Obama went to a ball game in Cuba and did the tango in Argentina, when he should have been doing both in Brussels.

November can't come soon enough when we can finally get to vote on which candidate has the ugliest wife.

Then on January 20, as our new president is sworn in, he will place his hand on the National Enquirer.

The National Enquirer lies by claiming there were five women in this country who found Ted Cruz hot.

Advice to John Kasich: Wear a cap that says, "Make America Sane Again."
And now there are three remaining Republican candidates: Trump, Cruz and the token human, John Kasich.

Do you hear what I hear? "Too many jobs are being outsourced to New Mexico."

"Hillary should have left Bill when he was carrying on with Monica Benghazi."

"I will build up the military. On Day One I will make the Pentagon an Octagon."

"My father was a bartender. When he first met my mother, he said 'you've had enough.'"

"Merrick Garland? What kind of name is that? Where is he from --- Mozambique?"
As drug prices continue to soar, many of these medicines have the same side effect: poverty.

Big Pharma response: The rarer the disease, the higher the cost of the prescribed med. If only one person in a million ever had a headache, an aspirin tablet might cost $100.

Political response: Drug prices are speech.

There will be more Flint, Michigan's in mostly poor neighborhoods. Tragically, people of color will draw water of color.

Hillary and Bernie held a debate in Flint to make idle promises while drinking bottled water off camera.

What was the point? To tell the people of Flint to hang in until we have a Democratic president?

I would call this Watergate but I understand the label has been taken.

Can the governor of Michigan be thrown out? It's a lead pipe cinch.

Trump's new campaign slogan: Size Matters.

At Thursday's debate, an intellectual peak was reached when Trump boasted about the size of his Hammond organ, only he wasn't referring to a Hammond organ.

Had it been any other candidate, this would have been his swan schlong, but alas, not for Mr. Trump.

He is altogether too cocksure of himself and the evidence should be laid on the table.

As the old song goes "Try to remember the size of your member..."

How ugly is this getting? Some Trump supporters have burned a cross in front of Marco Rubio's house.

At least Marco has won a singular victory -- Minnesota. Which puts him in solidarity with that other one-state wonder -- Walter Mondale.

I couldn't stay up late enough, but I believe Dr. Ben Carson won in American Samoa.

Six New Jersey newspapers call for Governor Chris Christie to resign. Rushing back home, Christie found his desk out at the curb.

Donald Trump and Pope Francis walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome your Holiness, what an honor!" Then, the bartender welcomes the pope.

As Trump insults and bullies his way, unscathed, toward the nomination, Hillary is under federal investigation. The issue is Teflon-equality.

In order to keep his momentum going, Trump must increase his insult rate. Remaining groups to be smeared include butterfly collectors, Girl Scouts, and nuns.

If President Obama nominates a republican to the Supreme Court, Mitch McConnell says, no way. If Obama nominated Jesus Christ, Mitch would say there are three Jews on the Court already.

Bulletin: Chris Christie endorses Trump. We're going to need a bigger clown car.
An update from DC -- District of Conspiracies: President Obama had Justice Scalia murdered.

This bile comes from the same flat-earth vermin who believe that John Wilkes Booth had an affair with Eleanor Roosevelt.

It's an American tradition. Whenever a celebrity dies, lift up a rock and you will find a radio talk show host holding a smoking conspiracy.

Then you have liberal conspiracy theorists who question Scalia's heart attack, saying he had no heart.
God called Justice Scalia home while Obama was still in office. If this doesn't prove that God is a liberal, I don't know what does. 

Ironic how Scalia's fellow republican constitutional originalists want to rewrite the Constitution: "When a justice dies, his successor must be nominated no sooner than a year later by a Republican president."

If Hillary is elected, whom would she want on the Court? Hint: it would get Bill out of the house.

What will historians call this mess -- "Scaliagate"? "Obama's Revenge"? How about "McConnell's Hives"?